The seconds seem to go by more slowly now…

Only with you.

Those awkward silences used to simply unnerve me,

As unsure as I was of my ability to fill them.

Sometimes it was enough to just be in each other’s presence.

Now they terrify me.

Now I wonder if we’ve both run out of things to say,

Relying on insignificant trivialities to fill the void.

It’s almost easier to force myself to stay away from you,

Rather than be faced with the ugly truth.

When did things become so difficult for us?

When did we start building these walls?

I know you’ll say that the fault was my own…

That I was the first to start the process of pulling away.

Perhaps you’d be right but what choice did I have?

How could I continue to be around someone who always held me at arm’s length?

How could I stay when even you would have to admit that I know so very little about you?

There was always some excuse to prevent you from letting me in…

Some fundamental flaw in the person that I am.

I was never good enough for anything other than sitting on the sidelines,

Waiting to be called in should your need arise.

You would do for others what you would never do for me.

You would open up to others the way you never did for me.

Perhaps you even believed the words that were uttered when we were alone.

I know I did.

I’d like to say that it’s this most recent catalyst

That fills me with fear at the thought of seeing you,

But you should know me better than that by now.

You should know how much I can bear if I know that I’m needed.

I told you once that the one thing I would not stand for was being taken for granted.

I have been taken for granted for years.

I am only now willing to see what my heart has kept hidden from me…

That I am tired of not knowing where you lay your head when it’s not on my shoulder…

That I’m tired of lurking in the shadows like some dirty little secret.

I may not believe that I deserve much, but surely I am worth more than that?

So maybe I haven’t been around as much as I used to.

Maybe I’ve been trying to avoid the hurt you inflict every time I hear your voice.

Maybe I’m finally being selfish and putting myself first.

It is not my intention to cause you any pain.

Forgive me but I am only trying to survive.

The End