Am I attracted to her? I suppose I must be, on some level. I wouldn’t even consider sleeping with her if I wasn’t. That’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to admit it. That’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to admit I’m about to let someone who’s a virtual stranger into my bed. I know it and my heart races a little as I wonder if she knows it too. She must. Our evening’s plans don’t start until eight. It’s a little before three now, and I’m expecting her at any moment.

This will be only the fourth time I’m seeing her in person. We met through mutual friends and we’ve been chatting for a few months now. It wasn’t long before harmless banter and mild flirtations became something much more sexual. It wasn’t something I was consciously looking for, but subconsciously? I agreed to meet her. I guess a traditionalist would say that tonight is supposed to be our first date, but there’s nothing traditional about this. I want her. She wants me. And I have something to prove.

I wouldn’t call myself a sexual being. Of course sex is important to me. I’m not dead. I’ve simply never gone looking for it. What little experience I have has always been within the confines of a relationship. Then I’m somewhat insatiable, but I’m also damaged. I like things rough. I can do gentle but when it comes to my own satisfaction, I like my pleasure with an edge. Not too much. Just enough that the woman I loved most in the world made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

I need to know there isn’t. I need to know that I can please a woman. I’m not interested in a relationship. Not now. Is it wrong that all I’m after is physical gratification? I don’t think so. Not when I have a woman who’s willing, regardless of my motivation. Not even that can calm my nerves or silence the little nagging doubts. Am I brave enough to make the first move? Will she? Can I actually go through with this? I have no more time left for my brain to sabotage this. She’s here.

I let her go up the stairs as I trail behind her. I want to look at her. She’s not my perfect woman but I can see how many would find her attractive. She’s tall and slender; curved in all the right places, but not as much as would normally catch my eyes. Her dark hair is cut short, with just enough length to keep it from being too masculine. I imagine my fingers tangling in those locks and experience a jolt of arousal. I close the door behind us and immediately feel at a loss for words. I’m hoping for some sign, some gesture that I’m not alone in this. We never actually said what this was going to be.

“You look nervous.” I have yet to turn from the door and I feel her body pressing against me. “Are you okay?”

“I…I’m fine.” I’m not. I can feel her breath and I know she can hear the tremor in my voice. It’s been so long since I’ve allowed anyone to get this close to me, literally. I’m torn between panic and desire. Long fingers move the hair away from my neck and caress the soft flesh beneath. I know which emotion will win. I let my head fall back against her as her lips taste my skin for the first time, unable to stop the moan that escapes. Strong hands find their way under my shirt and circle my waist, leaving a trail of heat. I push back against her, pushing her away as I turn to face her. I can see a ghost of confusion in her eyes.

“Not here. Come with me.” I cringe at the double entendre, but her smile is pure seduction as she lets me lead the way to my bedroom. There is no backing out now. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach trying to return but I viciously stamp them down as she sits on my bed and motions me next to her. I cannot free myself from her eyes.

“Tell me you want this.”

I can only nod as she closes the gap between us. Her lips are so soft; their taste so sweet. My fingers curl into her hair, trying to bring her closer. I feel her tongue seeking entrance and gladly provide it. I pull away for a moment, to bring my errant breathing under control, but a moment is all I can stand being away from her. As good as this feels, it’s not long before I find myself craving more. I’m not the only one. Her hand drifts from my hip to my breast and she squeezes. I gasp.

“Take off your bra.”

A part of me is thrilled at the command. A bigger part wants to ensure she knows that I submit to no one, not so soon.

“If you want it off, take it off.”

She is surprised at first, even as her hand circles around me. I don’t think she expected me to be anything but passive. She isn’t displeased though. The smirk now gracing her face is evidence enough of that. It ignites something inside me. She is so sure of herself, so in control. I need to be the one to make her break. I stay her hand by wrapping my own around her wrist. She quirks an eyebrow but says nothing as I push her back unto the bed and straddle her. I already know the taste of her lips. Now I yearn for the flavor of her body. She will not stop me. I think that what I’m doing is exciting her even more. I lick the side of her face and make my way to her ears, tugging gently. I plant soft kisses along her neck interspersing them with light nips. My teeth are sharp but I hear her moan in pleasure and it spurs me on.

Her hands have not been idle. They have made their way under my shirt and her slender fingers are digging into my back. I feel a trail of fire everywhere that she touches. My skin is raw. I push myself up and witness naked want in her eyes. I never thought I would see that directed at me and my hands start to shake a little. Realizing my dilemma, she puts her hand over mine as I try to undo my shirt. Then the room is filled with the sound of tearing clothes and flying buttons as the first barrier is removed. My pale skin is revealed and it is clear that I am very aroused. She tries to lift off the bed but I stop her.

I want…no…I need to touch her. I raise her black t-shirt, already aware that she is wearing nothing underneath. Her breasts are perfect and eager for my touch. I take her into my mouth and her back arcs into me. She cries out and I know that I’m doing something right. She falls back onto the bed, her hands tangling in my hair. I tease her, alternately sucking and biting. I know she likes the feel of my teeth. I know she’s like me. I know she likes pain with her pleasure. I will give her whatever she needs.

She is writhing under me now and I hasten to remove her jeans and…nothing else. I’m not sure if I’m salivating at the sight of her naked body. Oh God…she is so wet for me. I can see her desire glistening on the insides of her thighs. It is she who needs to feel me now. I will not keep her waiting anymore. I make my way back up to her lips and kiss her hard as I run my fingers through the velvety wetness. She gasps into my mouth and I can see that her eyes are closed. I want to see her eyes. I enter her, and I am not gentle. She doesn’t want me to be gentle. I feel like I cannot give her enough of myself. I want to make her scream. I don’t care what. Harder. Faster. Her nails dig deeper into my back. I know they must be drawing blood, as I pick up my pace. Suddenly her body stills and I can tell that she is on the edge. I thrust into her as hard as I can and when she comes, it is my name that she cries out.

She recovers faster than I expected and I am not prepared when she pushes me over on my back. There is a feral look in her eyes, but I am far from frightened. To the contrary; the throbbing between my legs is almost painful in its intensity. I can feel moisture leaking out of me. I am near insane for her touch. She must sense this as she removes the rest of my clothes in what can only be described as the blink of an eye. I am dimly aware of hitting my foot on the wall, but it is of little consequence. She moves off of me; only to return a moment later with her belt.

“Put your hands above your head.”

I am hesitant. This isn’t the first time I’ve flirted with bondage, but I’ve always been slow to trust. Her gaze softens a fraction and she kisses me gently.

“I won’t hurt you.”

I believe her. I have no real reason to, but desire has taken over my senses. I do as she says and she loops leather around my wrists, securing them to the bed.

“Do you like what you see?”

“I think you know by now that I do, or do you need more proof?” I lick my lips as I wantonly spread my legs for her. I am momentary abashed by my forwardness but the look on her face is worth it. My arousal is evident. She runs a finger along my entrance and my hips jerk.

“Beautiful. All of this is for me. Do you like seeing me come that much?”

“Uh huh.” We all have our kinks.

She smiles and gets on the bed, kneeling above my head. She can’t be about to do what I think she’s about to do.

“Then watch.”

My heart is pounding in my chest and I fight against my restraints as she trails her fingers through her own wetness. Her clit is hard and she utters a low moan as she fingers it. I want so much to taste her but she is just out of my reach. I can do nothing but watch as she pleasures herself, feeling phantom fingers touching me with every stroke as her breathing becomes more labored. She braces herself against the headboard with one hand as the movement of her hips becomes more random. I long for those fingers to be mine. I know that she’s close and when she finally comes, she is looking straight into my eyes. It is the most erotic thing I have ever seen.

She leans down for a kiss and then she stretches out beside me as she catches her breathe, making lazy circles on my stomach with her hand. Having her naked next to me and not being able to touch her is driving me crazy. I am close to begging before I realize that, with every sweep of her moisture coated fingers, she is getting closer to the juncture between my thighs. I can’t remember ever being this wet. I must be lying in a puddle by now. She doesn’t say anything as she rises up on one arm and takes my nipple into her mouth. I nearly come then and there. I am so ready.

“I need you…inside me…oh….now……”

I can’t wait any longer. My eager hips are already moving of their own volition, chasing her fingers as they tease my entrance. I can no longer stop my legs from shaking. With no warning, she thrusts into me with bruising force while sucking hard enough on my neck to make it sting. I don’t last long. I knew I wouldn’t. My climax isn’t accompanied by rainbows and unicorns, just pure ecstasy.

She is surprisingly gentle afterwards. Her belt has bruised my wrist, cutting lightly at one point. The blood has already dried, but she kisses the spot anyway. My back and neck tingle, but it is a satisfying burn. She seems a little subdued and I wonder why, before I realize that perhaps I wasn’t the only one to come into this with their insecurities. Perhaps she thinks that she went too far. I hasten to convince her otherwise.

“That was amazing. You were amazing. I hope I didn’t…was it okay for you?” After all we’ve just done, it seems silly that asking this would make me blush.

“Babe, it was more than okay. You’re alright with this?”

“I’m alright with everything.”

“You’re sure?”

“Um, let’s see. I just had mind blowing sex with a hot woman. Nah, I’m not okay. I’m bored out of my mind. Let’s go out.”

She laughs, rich and throaty, and I know then that I don’t love her but that’s okay. She doesn’t love me either. She doesn’t need to. It’s enough that I desire her and she desires me. I feel some of my uncertainties slipping away. Maybe I am normal after all, or at least I’ve found someone to be abnormal with. That’s more than a lot of people have anyway. There’s still some time before our dinner reservations, but somehow I don’t think we’re going to make it. By the way she’s looking at me I think she has something else planned. Oh yeah. I’m definitely alright with that.